Tuesday, December 18, 2012
From the Beginning
I guess it all started a year or so ago. I've always been thin, though I was never really healthy. When I was younger I'd eat whatever I wanted and I'd never gain an ounce. That lasted until I was 12 and started going to private school. I started to notice my uniform skirt getting tighter, having to loosen my belt, but I wasn't all that worried about it. I started researching healthy diets and exercise, and I started to cut back on junk food. But that was the end of that, I was a healthy 98 lbs (heaviest weight). The facts I learned while researching stuck with me, 3500 calories in a pound, no more than 2000 calories a day, never stop moving. I read an article that said that people who tap there foot and fingers loose an extra 100 calories a day, and unconsciously I developed that habit. Sometimes I'll find myself tapping my foot in class, or on the computer, or trying to fall asleep, but it was never a problem. I was fine continuing like that until I was 14, stayed around the same weight and height, never too much underweight. Once I turned fourteen though I started watching ANTM and Gossip Girl and all I wanted was to be as thin and pretty as them, so I started exercising more. But it was good for me, I became healthier, and ate a normal amount for me. Around that time I started dating this guy, I really loved him. Or so I thought. I dated him for 8 months and for that time we were inseparable, texting all day, 2+ hours on the phone each night, hanging out at least once a week. I never felt bad about myself when I was with him. And then it was over. He met a new girl he liked better than me, she was taller and prettier and slimmer, I couldn't eat for 2 weeks. I dropped from 97 lb to 86 lb in three weeks. And I liked it. I started to notice my ribs a little more, and my hip bones. But then school started back and I forced myself to eat around my friends, I went back up to 93 lb. I kept up like that until i got to 96 lb. I went to the doctors for my physical and she said I had dropped 2 lb from my last visit (98lb) I was disappointed, I knew I could do better, but I just didn't have the willpower. Then I met him <3 he was the sweetest guy I knew, never insulted anyone, everyone loved him. And he asked me out, I promised myself I'd be the best girlfriend any guy could ever ask for for him. Then we went to the mall and I saw other guys with their tall skinny girlfriends. I'm short theirs nothing I can change about that but I could make myself skinnier, so I vowed to do just that. I cut back on my eating, I've never finished all of my dinner before, so I started only eating half, same with lunch and dinner. I started replacing meals I ate at home with a glass of tea or iced coffee, and I started watching the anorexia videos on youtube nightly. But they did the exact opposite for me then they're supposed to, they made me want to be anorexic. But I wasn't loosing weight like I did over the summer and it disappointed me. I tried purging but I couldn't make myself. So instead I'd go without a meal, and go on an elliptical for hours at a time. But not eating ruined my health. I had to sit out at cheerleading for a game because I was dizzy. I get headaches regularly. But I'm determined... and that's where I am now.